I’m standing in tree pose and I just kind a wish I could find you and make you my nymph…
omg I miss you and I hate you and if you could breathe me in rn….. you would totes be the trunk I need
today i woke up feeling beautiful and happy for no good reason, but it could be because it’s Friday and im feeling free and im living honestly and in the moment, regardless of the chaos each moment brings. you know, it could be that.
it could also be the new shampoo and deodorant tho, cause they smell a little like heaven and make me feel dreamier, too.
and my morning coffee might have something to do with it, just enough fuel in a half caff, but it started before the caffeine buzz.
on a day like today, any thought of you makes me heart expand and feel warmer and really…. joyful. you made me smile so much every time you’d call me a crazy dumbass and you somehow reminded me of my strength and who I really am. maybe that’s what it is.
and so today, even if just for the morning, i just really feel grateful for that goodness….of….myself….
i don’t know. I may have just described you as a dreamy, ethereal, heavenly caffeine buzz tho. i dont know what to say about that because it doesn’t really come close…. but… working with it regardless…
it would be more descriptive to add mounds of whipped cream to that cup except you see, i don’t let myself indulge in that anymore.
sometimes when I think of you, im so happy and it makes me float.
sometimes when I think of you, it makes me sad that you have to be gone.
sometimes it makes me laugh because I still can’t even take it …
and sometimes I cry, ….well…..
because because because because becauuuuuuse.
don’t even ask because why
when I told God about how you are my favorite and how my heart is going crazy, God replied,
“that’s why I gave you a rib cage…its perfectly safe for your heart to have seizures and do some ecstatic dancing. if you take a deeper breath, it will give your heart a little more room to bounce and it will feel less constricted
sometimes there’s just some grieving to do; you may try to avoid it but it hounds you, you know. and until you feel what you need to feel, no matter how strong and prepared you might be, like Achilles, your heels get attacked by the hound of grief. it bites at your ankles like a nest of ground bees, but its too painful to actually stop and swat. you have to run. you have to run like a mother fucker while they attack your very source of motion. and if your feet fail you, you can start to crawl. walk on your hands if you can, drag yourself thru the mud, but don’t give up. dont let them get to your heart.
you have to keep on. and find your way to the black pearl.
and once you get thru that purgatory nest, trying to pull you into hell, you feel like you see a new world, like Plato escaping the cave, and the newness is like a golden and colorful heaven, like in Golconda.
i don’t always get to my Golconda, but when i do, i find myself.
when there’s nothing left to forget, and there’s nothing left to remember, and you find that all that’s left is
the silence of surrender.
you don’t need the vortex of others to lose yourself. there is no more losing here. i already played that black flag losing game, Lillian. there’s no green flag winning games, either.
all that’s left is the white flag of surrender and the gold flag.
the gold flag of golconda.
i will meet you there, Lillian, at that flag pole. you can play jazz piano and i will play marimba and then we will dance. not to forget. not to remember, but to surrender to who you are.
i just wrote you this beautiful poem about me crying more in the gentle rain, though my phone deleted it and i felt so angry that it was lost. i titled it “unlearning” because my sadness changed to joy when i examined my feelings in deeper meditation.
do you know what the poem said? (not verbatim….it is now lost in cyberspace, hoping you heard it or felt it at least)
i love you even though it hurts
im glad it hurts because the feeling is a gift
i would rather feel love passionately, and scream about it with gladness in my heart.
beats the hell out of the apathetic and subtle tears rolling down my face during a gentle rain.
lets see if my phone agrees to publish this one.
and now ….its pouring.
last night, i dreamt of you, again.
but i got to hold your hand
and kind of rub your forearm
before it slipped away.
i had to reach into a brown paper bag
to reach it for some reason.
whatever the case, the rustling
sounded so real,
and getting to
made it easier to breathe today.
and so i walk away from that fire that i built for you.
i know the sun is setting and i should set up my tent.
i’m glad my hair smells like campfire.
i didn’t intend on camping alone, but
i know i’ll be warm enough cause
i packed one of those sleeping bags for subzero weather.
i don’t know why i have a subzero sleeping bag;
i don’t intend on glacier camping, like…ever.
i hate the frigid cold.
but i guess if you were there i would do it.
and maybe some whisky.
cause it would keep me warm.
and help me sleep.
but then hiking would be hard.
hangover hiking, dehydration, and frigid winds.
sounds like an icy mix of hell.
warm whisky, subzero sleeping bag, and you.
that might do.
i laugh at my thoughts.
but back to the tent.
i climb inside, kind of giggling,
i’m sitting on my puffy sleeping bag and fall backwards,
my head falling deeply into the sand bedding beneath the tent.
beach camping is great for that.
i huff a sigh…
HOW did you disappear with the malbec???
do you know what I’m not going to do?
I’m not going to feel bad or feel wrong for feeling good.
I’m going to appreciate it.
and savor it, the way you do with a dry, red wine.
because that taste is amazing.
I’m not going to let other people’s moods affect my good feelings.
If you can’t celebrate with me, then get off the track.
there are bleachers over there and you can just sulk and watch.
I know where my track is leading, and I like it.
I’m even sprinting and making fun circles the way we used to for defensive ballin.
I’m going to feel the sunshine pour down and revel in the way it makes me feel
-like stretching out and exposing as much skin as possible to soak it in.
good feelings are a gift.
and sometimes we just needed to be reminded that we deserve to feel good.