if you fall into a kaleidoscope,
it’s amazing how long you
get to ride on rainbows
today i woke up feeling beautiful and happy for no good reason, but it could be because it’s Friday and im feeling free and im living honestly and in the moment, regardless of the chaos each moment brings. you know, it could be that.
it could also be the new shampoo and deodorant tho, cause they smell a little like heaven and make me feel dreamier, too.
and my morning coffee might have something to do with it, just enough fuel in a half caff, but it started before the caffeine buzz.
on a day like today, any thought of you makes me heart expand and feel warmer and really…. joyful. you made me smile so much every time you’d call me a crazy dumbass and you somehow reminded me of my strength and who I really am. maybe that’s what it is.
and so today, even if just for the morning, i just really feel grateful for that goodness….of….myself….
i don’t know. I may have just described you as a dreamy, ethereal, heavenly caffeine buzz tho. i dont know what to say about that because it doesn’t really come close…. but… working with it regardless…
it would be more descriptive to add mounds of whipped cream to that cup except you see, i don’t let myself indulge in that anymore.
sometimes when I think of you, im so happy and it makes me float.
sometimes when I think of you, it makes me sad that you have to be gone.
sometimes it makes me laugh because I still can’t even take it …
and sometimes I cry, ….well…..
because because because because becauuuuuuse.
don’t even ask because why
when I told God about how you are my favorite and how my heart is going crazy, God replied,
“that’s why I gave you a rib cage…its perfectly safe for your heart to have seizures and do some ecstatic dancing. if you take a deeper breath, it will give your heart a little more room to bounce and it will feel less constricted
i just wrote you this beautiful poem about me crying more in the gentle rain, though my phone deleted it and i felt so angry that it was lost. i titled it “unlearning” because my sadness changed to joy when i examined my feelings in deeper meditation.
do you know what the poem said? (not verbatim….it is now lost in cyberspace, hoping you heard it or felt it at least)
i love you even though it hurts
im glad it hurts because the feeling is a gift
i would rather feel love passionately, and scream about it with gladness in my heart.
beats the hell out of the apathetic and subtle tears rolling down my face during a gentle rain.
lets see if my phone agrees to publish this one.
and now ….its pouring.
last night, i dreamt of you, again.
but i got to hold your hand
and kind of rub your forearm
before it slipped away.
i had to reach into a brown paper bag
to reach it for some reason.
whatever the case, the rustling
sounded so real,
and getting to
made it easier to breathe today.
i dont feel like waking up from this dream….
i want to run away with you, like they do in the movies, with the top down on the mustang and along the cliffs of BigSur. and i have a headband on and a cute french braid but the wind still blows it all around…..i look at your arm and watch how you grip at the steering wheel and i cant resist but to lean over and kiss tyour bicep…
then we stop, beachside, and i build a little fire while you pour a malbec with your arms draped over my shoulders, kissing my neck while i shiver a little one shoulder shrug…the wine spills onto my knee…and you bend down and lick it off….you’re like a dream. a perfect dream, i keep telling you. and you laugh and tell me i’m fucking crazy. but all i want to do is taste your lips…but i know i should sip the wine you poured….and just as it reaches my lips, you are suddenly gone again, and i sigh, knowing that in my dream i am so intent on having you, but once again, i find myself there alone, fireside, breathing it all in and watching the sunset, not really sure if i am happy or sad, but resigned to accepting it as it is… while wondering….where the fuck did the rest of that malbec go.