cinco de mayo

Tags

anaisnin, bluebird, boat, celebrate, cincodemaya, dance, everywhere, golconda, heidiheilig, impanema, shore, soul, You

do you know the girl from impanema
she makes me wanna dance until i see ya
we’d walk down on the shore
where i could free ya
the way you set my soul my soul on fire

do you know the girl from gold golconda
she made wanna search until
i found ya
we’d hop onto her boat
and i’d surround ya
the way you set my soul my soul on fire

you make me wanna dance dance dance
the night away
you make wanna dance
with all the things
you say
you make me wanna dance there
in your arms so strong
you make me wanna dance
the whole night long

do you know the girl the girl from everywhere
she always worried everything would disappear
but everything has changed around this time of year
the way you set my soul my soul on fire

you make me wanna (chorus)

do you, want to, do you want to dance?

---

you can check this song out at:

gold flag of golconda

Tags

achilles, anaisnin, bees, flags, golconda, Journal, lillian, perspective, plato, poetry, relieve, Self, surrender, transformation, You

Dear Lillian,

sometimes there’s just some grieving to do; you may try to avoid it but it hounds you, you know. and until you feel what you need to feel, no matter how strong and prepared you might be, like Achilles, your heels get attacked by the hound of grief.  it bites at your ankles like a nest of ground bees, but its too painful to actually stop and swat. you have to run. you have to run like a mother fucker while they attack your very source of motion.  and if your feet fail you, you can start to crawl. walk on your hands if you can, drag yourself thru the mud, but don’t give up. dont let them get to your heart.

you have to keep on. and find your way to the black pearl.

and once you get thru that purgatory nest, trying to pull you into hell, you feel like you see a new world, like Plato escaping the cave, and the newness is like a golden and colorful heaven, like in Golconda.

i don’t always get to my Golconda, but when i do, i find myself.

when there’s nothing left to forget, and there’s nothing left to remember, and you find that all that’s left is

the silence of surrender.

you don’t need the vortex of others to lose yourself. there is no more losing here. i already played that black flag losing game, Lillian. there’s no green flag winning games, either.

all that’s left is the white flag of surrender and the gold flag.

the gold flag of golconda.

i will meet you there, Lillian, at that flag pole. you can play jazz piano and i will play marimba and then we will dance. not to forget. not to remember, but to surrender to who you are.

it’s pouring

Tags

change, love, poetry, pouring, storm, You

i just wrote you this beautiful poem about me crying more in the gentle rain, though my phone deleted it and i felt so angry that it was lost. i titled it “unlearning” because my sadness changed to joy when i examined my feelings in deeper meditation.

do you know what the poem said? (not verbatim….it is now lost in cyberspace, hoping you heard it or felt it at least)

it said,

i love you even though it hurts

it said,

im glad it hurts because the feeling is a gift

it said,

i would rather feel love passionately, and scream about it with gladness in my heart.

beats the hell out of the apathetic and subtle tears rolling down my face during a gentle rain.

lets see if my phone agrees to publish this one.

and now ….its pouring.

gentle rain

Tags

acceptance, fog, rain, surrender, Tears, transformation

i love gentle rain.
it kinda makes it feel like
it’s okay to cry some tears.
not heavy and loud sobs,
but nice and gentle ones.

and then there’s those moments
of humidity following rainfall,
where there’s a warm fog hovering
around the earth,
like the earth and atmosphere
are confused as to whether it’s cold or warm.

that’s how it feels after a gentle cry.
your body is kinda cold from the tears and the sadness
but having released them, it’s like a warm embrace
surrounds you
and
you realize,
the fog isn’t actually confusion like so many have written of it…

it’s actually a reminder:
that when conflict is in the air,
cold, warm, cold, warm
the surroundings respond
too…
and have a way of bringing it all together
into something new.
the fog is a new creation, after all.

it’s all going to be okay.
it’s going to be okay.
and it’s time for new creations.

brown bag

Tags

brown bag, Dream, hand, heart, love, poetry

last night, i dreamt of you, again.

no malbec.

but i got to hold your hand

and kind of rub your forearm

before it slipped away.

i had to reach into a brown paper bag

to reach it for some reason.

whatever the case, the rustling

sounded so real,

and getting to

touch you

made it easier to breathe today.

a good go-to

Tags

dreams, hero, poetry, smile, timing

i don’t think you understand.

somehow, your timing is just always right.

and it lifts me up.

and so, when i need to smile,

you’re a good go-to.

 

malbec dreamc

Tags

dreams, malbec, sausage, sleeping bag, tent, want, You

so i pack up the tent in the morning,
kinda of grudgingly cause i’m depressed as hell,
and i head back to the house.

i have a bottle of malbec and decide to have a glass with lunch.

then i pass out.
in my dream, you return.
we talk on the phone about sleeping bags
and i dare to tell you that i missed you.
you say, “yea, i get it.”
and i tell you that i think i still have your flashlight.
you agree that you will come by to get it.

i insist you should just stay the night since it’s a few hours drive.
you hesitate, but then agree once I tell you that I’ll make breakfast sausage with coffee cakes in the morning.

i get so ecstatic and hang up the phone.
i should realize it’s a dream at this point because it’s an old fashioned landline phone.
but instead, i start readying my house.
and as i’m looking in the mirror,
i wake up and realize that it was just another dream.

malbec dreamb

Tags

camping, Dream, glacier, malbec, Missing, poetry, sleeping bag, subzero, tent, what, Wtf

and so i walk away from that fire that i built for you.
i know the sun is setting and i should set up my tent.
i’m glad my hair smells like campfire.
i didn’t intend on camping alone, but
i know i’ll be warm enough cause
i packed one of those sleeping bags for subzero weather.
i don’t know why i have a subzero sleeping bag;
i don’t intend on glacier camping, like…ever.
i hate the frigid cold.
but i guess if you were there i would do it.
and maybe some whisky.
cause it would keep me warm.
and help me sleep.
but then hiking would be hard.
hangover hiking, dehydration, and frigid winds.
sounds like an icy mix of hell.

warm whisky, subzero sleeping bag, and you.
that might do.

i laugh at my thoughts.

but back to the tent.
i climb inside, kind of giggling,
because…
daaaaaaaaamn. daaaaaamn.
i’m sitting on my puffy sleeping bag and fall backwards,
my head falling deeply into the sand bedding beneath the tent.
beach camping is great for that.
i huff a sigh…
daaaaamn!!!
HOW did you disappear with the malbec???

fight for you

Tags

anais nin, exiles, existential phenomenology, Fight, house boat, introspection, introversion, love, minotar, seduction, song writing, transcend, transformation, velvet sun, velvet wind

loving the modern world. a producer from Iran found me on Instagram and wanted to collaborate some music, as well. I’ve been working a little more slowly on this one. it didn’t gel as fast…i’m kinda in a darker space rn; going through a lot at home and idk how to deal some days. music and exercise are both healing and help with stress and processing, but it’s definitely a bit cray.
and very crayola with my kids. bahahha

anyway, i was reading Anais Nin’s short stories, and just was so blown away by the “house boat” and “seduction of the minotaur” ….
so this song is kind of a dedication to her (Lillian) and her work, as well as a mixture of a love song, and a song to myself, i guess. inner work, outer work, transcendence….isn’t it all the same, really. *existential phenomenology*

—————

so i’m standing in the ring
so i take another swing
so i take another hit
it’s another bloody lip
knowing damn well this is worth it

so another monster dead
each time another layer’s shed
cause i am climbing all the bars
even tho i’m seeing stars
knowing damn well this is worth it

i’m i’m i’m i’m
i’m gonna fight for you
time time time time
for all the exiles too
oh i’d i’d i’d i’d
i’d knock the whole world down
for time time time time
for you to be here now

so you wanna get deep
you know i’m turnin in my sleep
cause there’s a switchblade in my bed
break a bottle on their head
knowing damn well this is worth it

let the minotaur out
let the sirens’ play guitar
it’s time now’
centaurs, hydras, typhon’s heads
i’ll fight them all
for you instead

baby you know i’m feelin somethin deep
the way your eyes see me
it’s like you strip away all the things
that aren’t supposed to be there

i’m i’m i’m i’m
i’m gonna fight for you
time time time time
for all the exiles too
oh i’d i’d i’d i’d
i’d knock the whole world down
for time time time time
for you to be here now

and so you’re feeling pretty hot
the exile fever that you caught
it’s like you’re waiting for your ship
with another bloody lip
but it’s the only chance you’ve got

i’ll fight this fight with you love you
know it’s in the stars above we’ll
dock our house boat have some fun
and just in case we’ll keep our guns

and so your target is in sight
you start to feel it in the night
and you know you’re not alone
while you’re searching for your home
and you know it’s damn while worth it

let the minotaur out
let the sirens’ play guitar
it’s time now’
centaurs, hydras, typhon’s heads
i’ll fight them all
for you instead

baby you know i’m feelin something good
baby you love me just the way you should
it’s like we’re in the velvet sun
and i know i’m supposed to be here

i’m i’m i’m i’m
i’m gonna fight for you
time time time time
for all the exiles too
oh i’d i’d i’d i’d
i’d knock the whole world down
for time time time time
for you to be here now

construction juggernaut

Tags

building, change, hurt, intrinsic, invisibilia, motive

waiting on some doors to open
and it’s taking forever.
it’s like i’m staring at the hinges,
listening intently for the little squeeeeeak,
hoping to hear the door knob click as it turns,
and the only sound i hear is my ticking time clock heart.

i give up waiting on external change.

Did you hear the Invisibilia podcast at NPR?
Every 7 years our cells cycle rebirth.
So, I guess it’s about that time.

so.
in this *mean*time,
I’m done waiting for doors and windows to open.
I’m building my own mother fucking building.

I feel so strong.
I feel so ready.
It’s not surprising that my foundation
is going to be invincible because it’s made of my own
blood, sweat, tears, and flesh.

I’m doing all the daily practices that I should be.
I’m breathing and networking.
I’m feeling my real feelings.
I’m finding the best in the moments,
despite the hurt and chaos
of the demolition work that needs to happen
in order to rebuild a foundation.

My hands are juggling sledge hammers, mortar, levels….
i’m like a construction junction juggernaut.