the next feast

Tags

growth, light, lioness, spark, strength, transformation

gotta thank those
dark skies
and cold nights
because without them,
i would not have found
you.

that spark!
it makes me
raise my chest
and breathe
a bigger breath
and puff out my
ribcage
like i am a
lioness,
hunting
hunting
hunting
for the next feast

my new hat

Tags

breathing, choosing, faith, Healing, hiding, hurting, ptsd, releasing, shielding, sitting

so i wanted to hide.
and i found the perfect hat for the occasion.
it was pink brim, round.
and i sat in the coffee shop,
i doodled a little.
didn’t make much eye contact.
mostly sat there, reading, with occasional sighs of relief,
but i knew that it was
just the perfect
disguise for this day
when i needed to feel
wrapped up in love (?)
and my new hat loves me (?)
just as much as i love it (?)
love? idk. strong word.
shield?
yes.
my new hat shields me
and i do nothing for the hat
but deeply enjoy its shielding.
someone created and crafted this damn thing
to do just this.
shield me

the co op cafe has these
bright poster arts displayed,
and it feels abaolutely RIGHT
to SURROUND myself
with fruits and veggies?
I can look at them without
too much assumption anyway?
and that’s nice.

and im kinda laughing
because this is the girl
i am.
my back to the crowd
lost in myself
no paranoia
just me and my new fucking hat.

it feels good to hide
in my new hat.
not lost out there somewhere
but settled and safe
right in here.
slowing, calming, sitting.
shielded.
no assumptions, no explanations.

and when i look up,
its all pink brim from here.

hiding

Tags

hiding, hurting, ptsd, scared

sometimes i hide in you
and God damn.
i hope that’s okay

heavy tears

Tags

goodbye, grief, pain, poem, transition

i’m really angry
that you left
and
i fucking miss you.

no ball, no court

Tags

flyaway, Journal, poem, transcend

there is no ball
and
there is no court.
there is only net.
nothin but net.

flick the flicker

Tags

breathe, change, flame, gone, ignite, Journal, poem

i’ve been trying
to blow out this candle here
but i hardly have the energy
to exhale
that little flame
has somehow trapped my concentration
in too deep a meditation
and really…what is it?
a little flicker?
so i have to just
flick this flicker
to move this flame
remove this flame.

afterall, it was the spark
that i created.
so i just keep flicking myself
flick the flicker

just some little part of me
glowing out there
yet such a distraction.

causing me to forget that
i am the fire

i can fly

Tags

change, fly, goodbye, grief, loss, transformation

and so its time to run.
run harder.
i buried a brother,
reignited another,
and watched my feet
soar in splits over
some hurdles.
so now, if i run even harder,
i will leap even farther.
maybe i can be peter pan for the day.

no more black magic

Tags

black magic, ego, goodbye, growth, identity

he asked her,
“do you believe in magic?”

and she replied,
“have you found yourself yet?”

he hated being dismissed.
but he was.
*pooooooof*

amongst the redwoods

Tags

bury, hold on, Journal, mythology, phenomenology, poem, rebirth, redwoods, transform

as soon as i smelled nag champa
it was like breathing in
a visual wave of images
from a time ago

of colors
and free wind
and flowers all around
and like the ephermal whisp
i transported for a moment
to a version of my fairy child
from years ago….

she’d been buried
before this …

back when i had to bury you,
i was left with this
thick and disgusting mud
all over myself.
my wings broke off
from the unbearable weight
and the stench even singed
some scars on my face
it’s like

i buried myself
burying you
and all i really wanted
was for you to live

i thought the path home
would be lined with gold,
with flowers, and I’d skip
through some canopies, delighted!
but instead,
it was horrific and dark,
covered in mud and leaves and bugs
crawling thru caverns and sharp shells and rocks
whilst trying to remove
this false layer of self
that served as some kind of protection.

yet as i journeyed
i grew.
taller.
much much taller.
all these concentric rings
formed around me
and though my feet were
moving slow as molasses,
my spirit was carrying me
upward
into the heavens.

and so,
i bid farewell
to the innocence of
my fairy world dreams
where everything was
quaint and tiny…

as I’ve reemerged…

here.
in this new world
so very very tall now
amongst the red woods

basil

Tags

basil, friendship, goodbye, horticulture, hurting like hell, Journal, love, plant, poem, sad

i know you’re gone
but i will keep
watering
your basil plant
like you asked me to.

i always wondered why
you didn’t eat it.
you said you didn’t want to, yet…

maybe it was for me.
so i could keep caring for you
somehow.
even when you were gone.