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i don’t feel very beautiful right now.
i feel very scared.
alone. boxed in.
claustrophobic and confused.
oh my shipwrecked days didn’t even prepare me for these waves.
see, i feared the open sea.
i’ve learned to conquer that.
this is….very….closed.

i wrote an idealistic prayer a few minutes ago,
but my phone deleted it
and
i can’t remember it.
flipping technology.
i’ve come to rely on it too strongly, perhaps.
even my own thoughts are on here.
and then, forgotten.

but once upon a time,
i had a faith so strong
that i believed in love and souls flying
and connecting with reckless abandon
aaaaand….
my idealism had a giant forceful hand called
REALISM
that suffocated it and changed everything it could see.
though over time, it all became beautiful that way, too.
as long as i stayed in the lines.

but i can’t.
i have to belong, i have to move, i have to celebrate…
i have to giggle and bubble over with ecstasy.
i want to believe again.
i want to trust again.
i want to abandon fear and control.
i don’t want to live in your fucking spreadsheet anymore.