locked windows

and then the bluebird came
with his royal blue wings
that appeared like shoulders
on a vibrant messenger uniform

and when i didnt answer
at the first window
he persisted
and came to me again
at another window

his persistence
was inviting
and i was excited to see
where he would appear next

his blue armor
glistened in the sun.
even while i washed dishes,
he tried to tell me then, too

and i smiled and i knew,
these signs always come
at just the right time

nature speaks to us,
even when we dont want to listen.
and now we are forced to
listen in solitude
behind locked windows
as we wait
we wait for the messengers

my new hat


, , , , , , , , ,

so i wanted to hide.
and i found the perfect hat for the occasion.
it was pink brim, round.
and i sat in the coffee shop,
i doodled a little.
didn’t make much eye contact.
mostly sat there, reading, with occasional sighs of relief,
but i knew that it was
just the perfect
disguise for this day
when i needed to feel
wrapped up in love (?)
and my new hat loves me (?)
just as much as i love it (?)
love? idk. strong word.
my new hat shields me
and i do nothing for the hat
but deeply enjoy its shielding.
someone created and crafted this damn thing
to do just this.
shield me

the co op cafe has these
bright poster arts displayed,
and it feels abaolutely RIGHT
to SURROUND myself
with fruits and veggies?
I can look at them without
too much assumption anyway?
and that’s nice.

and im kinda laughing
because this is the girl
i am.
my back to the crowd
lost in myself
no paranoia
just me and my new fucking hat.

it feels good to hide
in my new hat.
not lost out there somewhere
but settled and safe
right in here.
slowing, calming, sitting.
no assumptions, no explanations.

and when i look up,
its all pink brim from here.

flick the flicker


, , , , , ,

i’ve been trying
to blow out this candle here
but i hardly have the energy
to exhale
that little flame
has somehow trapped my concentration
in too deep a meditation
and really…what is it?
a little flicker?
so i have to just
flick this flicker
to move this flame
remove this flame.

afterall, it was the spark
that i created.
so i just keep flicking myself
flick the flicker

just some little part of me
glowing out there
yet such a distraction.

causing me to forget that
i am the fire

essential oil


, , , , ,

I’m so sorry
but i really
just have to
let you go.

it pains me to
even sprinkle water
on this aromatic basil plant
and in this heat,
the fragrance seemed
to fill the whole room.
i dreamt of all the ways
we could eat and share
it….pestos, salads, pizzas….
mostly i just
want to see you smiling again.
it hurts to
hold space for these memories.

i recalled, hesitantly,
the time back in college
when i ripped every leaf off
my bonsai when i was depressed,
and i knew that it was
time to harvest this basil.

and so,
one by one,
i plucked each leaf,
crumbling it in my hand,
letting its oils seep into my skin
and watching the reamining stem stand,
and it reminded me more of you
this way.
like the phallus symbol
you always were.
i really couldnt eat these leaves
so i just kept crumbling them
into my hands
hoping to absorb anything
i could from them.

and the truth is,
i wont come back now.
i wont water it again.
i wont watch the stem shrivel
or start to lean
or fall.

so i left.
i actually ran.
i ran hard, even though my hip hurt.
and i kept squeezing
and rubbing the leaves in my hands.
knowing, somehow,
that you would heartily approve
of my therapeutic use
of your
essential oil.